Always Missing You

“The moment you left me, my heart was split in two, one side was filled with memories, the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy. I do it everyday, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain, you see life has gone on without you, but will never be the same.” Author unknown

This was my second Halloween without Rowyn… I am still in shock accepting that it has been so long since her passing, it feels like yesterday still fresh in my mind. I am starting to think it will always feel this way. I flashed back to her only Halloween we had together. I spent so much time and effort on her homemade fish costume. I hand beaded a fish tail with hundreds of sequins, painted a onesie with shiny fish scales on it, it was so fun for me to doll up my little girl and celebrate the day with my kids.

I have this new bundle of joy, a perfectly healthy little girl who has been the best gift I could ever ask for but even with her here I still found it difficult to get into celebrating Halloween. Last year I didn’t even make it out trick or treating with my son. I was a hysterical mess not able to keep myself composed, so I stayed home by myself while Cody took Wyatt out. This year I planned on making up for it. I fully intended on taking Wyatt trick or treating and getting into it this year but once the day arrived I found myself back in that dark hole of sadness. I missed my Rowyn so much. It still overwhelms me with sadness and pain that shes not here to be a part of these special times. I tried to picture her. What would I have dressed her up as this year? Cody swears she goes hunting with him since he’s had such a lucky season so I imagined her dressed up as a little huntress. Wyatt could have been a buck. It’s not fun having to only imagine what my daughter would look like or be. To be honest it sucked the excitement right out of the day for me. I was able to keep my composure for most of the day, in public anyway, but my spirit was not into dressing up and participating in the festivities. It's not the same when I am missing something…someone…my baby. I will forever yearn for her to be here.