Humbled for the Holidays

Well now that the holidays are over I feel like I can catch a breath again. Ive been building up the anxiety over Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past few months. It is so mentally and physically exhausting waiting to implode at any minute. Holding in the tears at all the holiday parties and get togethers. I have gotten so used to it that I feel numb most of the time but I never know when a “trigger” will send me into a melt down. One of my recent moments was at Cassie’s home for her son Logan’s second birthday. I was so excited to go and Wyatt couldn’t wait to spend time with all his little friends. As I pulled down her side street and saw all the cars in her driveway my heart started pounding, my anxiety overcame me. One of Cassie’s best friends was there with her beautiful little girl, who I have always thought looked like Rowyn. The have the same chubby build, curly hair, pouty lips, and big blue eyes. I have seen this adorable little girl in pictures but never actually seen her in real life. I spotted her right away and she actually took my breath away. She resembled Rowyn so much. I tried to distract myself chasing after kids and holding my own baby Mynrow so I wouldn’t get emotional. I knelt down with Mynrow to change her diaper. As I laid her down on the ground, the adorable little girl came up to me. One quick look into her big blue eyes and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I started crying, sitting on the floor in Cassie’s living room with a house full of people. How embarrassing. I turned and faced the wall hoping nobody would notice. A few people did and of course were comforting me.

My dreaded fear is still having a break down in front of people, especially on holidays or get togethers. Everyone else is so joyful and happy and I try so hard not to bring others down. What I still see though is so much love and support from everyone.

Once again my family all came to our sides on Christmas morning. We had our traditional breakfast at Aunt Lyndas and then followed that with a trip to the cemetery. This is something I fully intend to do every year for the rest of my life but never would expect or even think that the rest of the family would take time out of their busy Christmas mornings to be there, even all the kids. Here is precious Tyler, Rowyn’s cousin and best friend there spending her Christmas morning at the cemetery in the freezing cold. Talk about feeling humbled all over again….watching so many broken hearts surrounding us on the most special holiday to release balloons and honor our little angel. I am blessed to say the least. I still cant believe it’s our second Christmas without Rowyn. It still isn’t fair and it still hurts so bad. I wanted so much while I was out shopping to buy her little outfits and toys. I can only imagine what she would be like this year. Would her and Wyatt be playing together on the floor with their new toys instead of Wyatt playing by himself and begging for us to play with him? I will never get used to saying “I have lost a child.” I still cringe saying it every single time, but I cant help but reveal that information when someone asks me how many kids I have or if I have boys or girls. I cant exclude Rowyn just because she’s in heaven.

As many challenges as I face daily still grieving for my daughter I feel like God continues to bless me abundantly. The joy of my new daughter, the quality time spent with family, the release of Cassie and my book, our growing charity, I feel like everything else in my life is pretty amazing. I will forever hurt but I know God and Rowyn are continuing to lead me and comfort me when I need it the most.